…because Connie Chung looks terrible!!!

For the past few months, I’ve been getting free issues of Complex Magazine in the mail. I have no idea why or how they started showing up, but I know for a fact I’m not paying for them. So weird. The first time it came, I actually tried reading it while I was on the toilet. But I had to stop because it made me so stupid I forgot how to poop. Since then, I’ve promptly thrown the magazine in the garbage as soon as I took it out of my mailbox. The end.

…or is it?

When I got the December/January issue yesterday, something about the cover story intrigued me…

Hmmm…let’s see…is Lil’ Wayne crazy? I don’t know. But, considering your pull quote is “I’m a Martian, and if you understand me then you’re Jesus Christ,” I’m going to go ahead and say YES. Yes, Lil Wayne is crazy.

Want more proof? Read the following quotes from Lil’ Wayne’s retarded extensive interview with Complex Magazine (note: they’re unbelievable):

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Time Magazine recently asked a bunch of celebrities who they thought should win this year’s Person of the Year award. Stephen King, of course, said Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan should win because they have destroyed the legitimacy of all media (…?). Aretha Franklin nominated her friend Bill Cosby for all his important work speaking out against black kids making a scene in the candy shoppes wearing their baggy jeans. My favorite, though, was Brian Williams’ choice for Person of the Year. Because it was the same as mine.

My [Brian Williams] nominee for 2007 Person of the Year is a woman…

…a woman with a history of abuse…

…a woman who has never run for elective office…

…someone we all know, someone who makes her presence known on a daily basis in all our lives and, for my money, is better than any male alternative.

That woman is Mother Earth.

You really need to see this. It’s a video of my favorite house-arrested rapper, T.I., giving his acceptance speech after winning this year’s award for Best New Federal Gun Charges…

Best part:

“And thank you to the judge for even allowing me the privilege of being on house arrest and being here instead of, you know, the clear alternative.”

“And by that, what I mean is, I’m much more comfortable sitting here at home, underneath the warm light of my two Chihuly chandeliers, in my cashmere bathrobe, making youtubes of me almost speaking coherently, with a comically large cigar appearing in my hands out of nowhere, rather than, uhm…you know…gettin’ all raped and shit. Ya dig?”

Lil Wayne’s next album doesn’t drop until at least next February, yet that hasn’t stopped the album art from already leaking out onto the internet. And from the looks of it, it’s going to be his gayest album yet.

“ONLEE DA TRU THUGZ WERR MAIKUP.”

PLEASE GOD LET THIS BECOME A TREND.

Swish. Count it.

Eek? Whatevs. I don’t care, he’s still my #1 friend crush.

Wow. Ok. So, last night’s show was insane. Thanks so much to everyone who came out. “Magical” is the only word to describe what happened. Lives were changed.

If you missed the show, please let me first tell you how sorry I am that your parents died (for that’s the only reason I can think of for not coming). Here’s a short re-cap: Noah and I showed our audition tape for the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. movie, Gabe and Jenny told a hilarious haunted Hollywood Halloween tale, Max Silvestri wined n’ dined the crowd with his patented jokes n’ quips^tm, and, as always, Greg Johnson crushed. Oh, also, Brett Gelman put on the single most amazing performance done by any human being on any stage anywhere. (No hyperbole.) The man got a standing ovation. At Rififi.

I recorded Brett’s performance with my iPod. You know, just for myself to have and hold and cherish. I listened to the mp3 on the train this morning, and, despite the fact that the sound quality is quite terrible, it still made me snarf coffee all over myself twice. Because of this, I have decided to share the 1000 Cats mp3 with the rest of the world. No matter how shitty it sounds.

Obviously, the grainy, cavernous audio doesn’t do 1000 Cats justice at all. Not even 1/1000^th of 1% of its justice. But, it’s the best I can do…and apparently the best that you could do too.

So, here. Enjoy.

You’re welcome.

Sometimes, when it’s gross and rainy outside, I search for an up-tempo and inspirational youtube to help get me through the day. Today I think I hit the jackpot.

Wow. So good. Like, SOOOOOO good. I can’t handle how good it is. Seriously, 2:52-2:56 of that video rivals Little Superstar’s 0:36-0:41 for the funniest thing I’ve seen on the internets. Uhm, her face?

By a show of hands, who thought Evelyn Thomas was full-blown retarded?

Can we make this the new internet sensation? Please? God?

(Also, 1:33-1:40 and 2:03-2:04.)

Last night, during a concert in Boulder, Colorado, singer Annie Lennox panicked and rushed off-stage after seeing a man in the audience wearing a gas-mask and black cape.

“A fellow who was dressed in a black cape, platform boots and a gas mask approached the stage. Lennox saw him coming and threw down her microphone and went backstage.”

Wow. That’s so creepy. Seriously. There’s probably nothing in the entire world scarier than a weirdo in gas-mask.

Oh, wait…Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox is much, much scarier than a weirdo in a gas-mask.

What a freak.

BTW, here’s my recipe for homemade Annie Lennox:

2 cups lesbian vampire
1 cup Darfur refugee (bleached)
3/4 cup french prostitute
1/2 cup nursing home grandmother
1/2 cup David Bowie
10 shredded carrots
4 bats (or 6 dried bats)
1 VHS cassette Rosemary’s Baby
2 tbsp. velociraptor
2 Rubik’s cubes
1 Zorro mask
1 leather sex whip
1 bay leaf
salt and pepper (to taste)

Combine ingredients in a food processor, 8-10 pulses. Add mixture into a Crock Pot with 3 cups of water. Turn on and leave stewing in a dark cave for 100 years.  

After the jump, see a picture of Annie Lennox taken immediately after she ate comedian Dave Chappelle…

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One of my favorite TV shows is, has been, and will forever be the weekly late-night syndicated program Showtime at the Apollo. I can’t explain why I love this show so much, but I really do. (Some would say it’s because I exoticize Black culture, but whatevz.)

One of the best parts of the show (other than seeing legends like Jim Jones or Yung Joc perform LIVE!) is, of course, the “Amateur Night” talent show. This is the portion where the Apollo Theater audience decides if an unprofessional performer is good enough to not get booed off the stage. At times the crowd can be a little trigger-happy with their eliminations, but their judgement is usually always correct. (It should be noted, however, that gospel singers have never, and will never get booed off. Oh, and dancers always win. Always.)

Despite all this, my favorite part of the show still has to be the “Apollo Kids” portion at the end. This is when super-talented little kids take the stage and give it everything they got. More often than not, they are much more impressive than the adults. Whenever I watched it, though, I always wondered what would happen if a kid was truly terrible? Like, what if a little girl got up there and just started murdering a classic? The whole time thinking she was super fucking amazing? Would the crowd do the right thing? Would they find it in their hearts to knock the little girl down to size? Would they boo her with the same wonderful viciousness they give a talentless adult, even if that means she’ll probably end up becoming a cutter?

Well, it turns out the anwser is a big, fat NEGATIVE.

In fact, the crowd does the opposite. They encourage the kid to make an insane spectacle of herself and end up giving her a standing ovation at the end. (While clutching a bunny rag doll the whole time?)

So, without further ado, please allow me to present the best/worst Apollo Kids performance in history:

PS: Her face.

So, I have this joke I sometimes tell where I say that Chamillionaire is my favorite rapper. This, of course, isn’t really true; I’ve only heard that one song of his (about filthy driving or whatever) and was not impressed. I say he’s my favorite because I really enjoy making fun of his name. Chamillionaire has to be the best (/worst) rap name ever. 

I still think he should call himself “Deepvoice Uglyface.”

(Sidenote: ”Lizard” is also the word rappers use for “lard.” As in: “You shouldn’t cook with lizard, son. That shit is full of lizzipids.”)

N*E*WAYZ!!! I was watching MTV this morning, which was playing music videos for some reason , and I happened to catch the new Chamillionaire video. I soon realized that the song features Slick Rick, who happens to actually be my favorite rapper. (Or, at least up there with Lil’ Wayne and Ghostface.) It was very exciting.

You may be asking, what happens when your pretend favorite rapper collaborates with your real favorite rapper?

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