So, I have this joke I sometimes tell where I say that Chamillionaire is my favorite rapper. This, of course, isn’t really true; I’ve only heard that one song of his (about filthy driving or whatever) and was not impressed. I say he’s my favorite because I really enjoy making fun of his name. Chamillionaire has to be the best (/worst) rap name ever. 

I still think he should call himself “Deepvoice Uglyface.”

(Sidenote: ”Lizard” is also the word rappers use for “lard.” As in: “You shouldn’t cook with lizard, son. That shit is full of lizzipids.”)

N*E*WAYZ!!! I was watching MTV this morning, which was playing music videos for some reason , and I happened to catch the new Chamillionaire video. I soon realized that the song features Slick Rick, who happens to actually be my favorite rapper. (Or, at least up there with Lil’ Wayne and Ghostface.) It was very exciting.

You may be asking, what happens when your pretend favorite rapper collaborates with your real favorite rapper?

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Here’s a picture of Aretha Franklin, showing off her new line of perfume, “Bar-B-Que Sauce.”

BOOM!!! 

R-E-S-PWNED!!!

(I should write for the Jay Leno program.)

…for loving the new Nickelback video.

There’s nothing to write.

My feelings about the “Rockstar” video can only be expressed in the form of a venn diagram:

(click to enlarge, dummy)

ADDENDUM #1: Bam Margera should be included in ”Terrible.”
ADDENDUM #2: Not eating is a major component to becoming a rock star.

Oh, really? You’re some sort of fashion visionary for wearing silly striped sunglasses?

Don’t think so, Kanye. I think we both know where you got that idea…

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1. I’ve been meaning to write something very clever and thoughtful for the past couple of days, but instead I’ve just been watching this video over and over again:

(It’s my new Montgomery Mini-Mall.)

2. Who’s pumped for the new Osama bin Threat-tape? I know I am! Have you seen the sneak peek pictures of the guy? He looks better than ever! Me thinks he’s been using some of this:

3. Lastly, you should def come to Rififi on Sunday night, for I will be co-hosting Max Silvestri’s monthly show “I Like Attention.” It’s always a fun and exciting time, plus Max and I made a video.

I’m seriously considering cancelling my cable subscription and spending $120 a month exclusively on whippits, because I’m pretty sure the net brain cell loss would be about the same. If not less.

I say this because last night was the premiere of MTV’s new show “Celebrity Rap Superstar.” The show is superb and probably my new favorite, but I’m pretty sure I forgot at least 8 state capitals just by watching it. The premise is simple: celebrities (a gossip blogger, Kevin Federline’s black ex-girlfriend, a retired football player, etc.) perform rap-karaoke with the help and guidance of their very own washed up rap superstar mentor. In other words, it’s all you could ever want or need from a television show.

There were two performances in particular that were utterly mind-blowing. The first was when Jason Wahler from Laguna Beachhad a full-blown PLIPPS attack while performing his rendition of the hip-hop classic “Ridin’” by Chamillionaire.

I think the problem was Jason Wahler thought he was cast for a show called “Celebrity Act Like an Out of Touch Camp Counselor Superstar.” Because, in that case, he nailed it.

By the way, Da Brat is a ZING MACHINE. (That’s a term I use for “stoned lesbian.”)

Here’s Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite doing a 50 Cent song:

It might have sounded really bad, but that’s only because this was the lyric sheet they gave him:

“In Da Club”
by: Fiddy Cent (not Fifty Cents)

You can find me in the club, body full of bub.
Mama, I got what you need if you need to feel a buzz.
I’m into having sex, not into making love.
So come give me a hug if you’re into ruh-muh-a-ruh.
If I pull up on funny, you see the bend on dup.
If I row twenty deep, it’s always jumping in the club.
When I roll with Dre, everybody show me love.
When I throw Eminem, you better ehhhhhm’love.
Zuh-muh-nuh-ma-nuh, … Jesus.

(Stop and squint eyes.)

If I got Shamu: L, M, N, O, Pimp.
Eh-guh…ha-choo, ch…guh…hassah hit.
If….ung-uh in LA, esta 50 is hot.
If I like me and I love me, but they love pot.
But holla in New York and Joe tell me I’m loco.
But holla in New York…en-summa-nuh choke-oh.

The voters should at least take that into consideration. Also, the fact that he seems to be a mentally retarded foreign person.

Prediction: This contest is Sebastian Bach’s to lose. He pwned it.

Hey, remember El Debarge? Well, he was arrested yesterday on vandalism and drug charges.

Hey, remember when “Rhythm of the Night” by El Debarge was your favorite song for most of your childhood?

Hey, remember when you had mono freshman year of college and you were all alone in your dorm room one night watching Barry Gordy’s The Last Dragon on cable, and then for some reason, within the movie, the music video for “Rhythm of the Night” started playing and it was the first time you ever realized that El Debarge wasn’t a beautiful woman like you’d always thought, but instead was a scary, waifish, rat-tranny? Hey, and remember when that made you start screaming? (Hey, remember it was also your 19th birthday?)

PS: Do you think it was fate that I discovered the 21st century version of El Debarge?

So, after getting mesmerized by the Battlecry snippet last week, I went ahead and tivoed the entire CNN “God’s Warriors” mini-series. I must admit Christiane Amanpour does a great job making all three major religions look coo-coo.

Although, the Evangelical Christians are clearly the winners (which is probably why she saved that episode for last). How, you might ask, could a group of American Christians possibly be crazier than Israeli settlers and Islamic suicide bombers? Well, at least when insane Jews and Muslims go to war, those wars are real. Oh, also, Jewish minstrel shows:

If you didn’t catch that, the hoe-down version of Hava Nagilah goes a little something like this:

Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Chickens in the barnyard pickin’ up grain.
Goin’ about things the southern way.
Next year in Jerusalem. V’nism’cha! Wooo!
(fiddle solo)

BTW, that minister is so tight! He just loves Israel. So much so that he built his own wailing wall and even wrote his own Nostradamus book about Jesus slaying the all the Jews on Judgement Day.

I got a lot to say about this, but I don’t want to get all Marc Maron on your asses.

After listening to this song endlessly on repeat for the past two weeks or so, I still can’t tell if I think it’s the best or worst thing ever:

I’d go see that. Broadway needs an all-Beatles mash-up musical. And Lil Wayne is just the man ambitious (stoned) enough to do it.

PS- I didn’t know what to name this post. Here’s a list of others I had in mind:

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Faith Hill calmly confronts a female fan who groped her husband, Tim McGraw, mid-concert:

Uhm, I think that’s called “Southern Hospitality.” Ever heard of it?

And while we’re on the topic, my friend Nick just sent me the new Brad Paisley music video, for song called “Online.” It’s truly amazing.

Did you know that if you mix country music with modern technology, you get a very sad version of Seinfeld?