Faith Hill calmly confronts a female fan who groped her husband, Tim McGraw, mid-concert:

Uhm, I think that’s called “Southern Hospitality.” Ever heard of it?

And while we’re on the topic, my friend Nick just sent me the new Brad Paisley music video, for song called “Online.” It’s truly amazing.

Did you know that if you mix country music with modern technology, you get a very sad version of Seinfeld? 

At Monday night’s Totally JK, Noah and I started the show with a bit that involved me acting out the lyrics to a new R. Kelly “song” called “Real Talk.” (To thunderous applause, obvz.)

Sadly, we did not tape the show and, therefore, there is no video of this monumental performance.

There are, however, a bunch of youtubes of black dudes doing the exact same thing for their webcams.

I have way more influence than even I realize.

(Clearly, the last one is the best. But the fourth video is by a guy named “blackpizza12,” which is what I now plan on naming my firstborn child, boy or girl.)

In case you missed it, this is the video Noah and I made for last night’s show. It’s madd stupid, son.

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Did you see this?! (You can totally tell Steven Spielberg endorsed her.)

So…that means she’s dead, right? Please tell me that means she’s dead.

Nevermind. I just checked her website. She’s still very alive.

The Sopranos spoof was just a way to announce Hillary Clinton’s 2008 campaign song. This is it:

Seriously? Celine Dion? Singing about clouds? Am I in Guantanamo?

It makes sense, though. A barfy song by a barfy woman for a barfy woman looking to take control of a barfy country.

The best lyric has to be: “If I could travel across the world, the secrets I would tell.” How about we put her in charge of all our national secrets then, shall we?

After eight years of Bush, what this country needs is the leadership of a menopausal spy.

The New York Times says:

This video, by far, represents the best campaign spot we’ve seen this season.

What? Is the world ending? I can’t handle it. I’m never voting again.

Click to see more about 2008 campaign songs…

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Earlier today, on my way back to work from lunch, I got stopped on the sidewalk by a lesbian holding a clipboard.

This was our interaction:

Lesbian: Excuse me, do you have a couple minutes for Gay Rights?
Me: No, I don’t. Sorry.
Lesbian: (angrily) Good one.
Me: Good one?
Lesbian: (yelling) Just get AWAY from me!

Still don’t know what that was about. But, in any case, I’d like to dedicate this song to her. It was on Power 97 last night.

 (Click to hear.)

Former Creed front man and Christian rock bad boy, Scott Stapp, was arrested yesterday on domestic assault charges at his home in Boca Raton, Florida.

Yikes! Look at those mean eyes. And the way his muscle T prominently shows off his tribal crucifix tattoo? Oh man, Stapp is a beast! I wouldn’t even think about messing with a dude like that. Domestic assault? Forget it. I bet he decimated his wife. I bet he caved her face in. I bet–

“No one was injured and no one was taken to the hospital,” a Sheriff’s Office spokesman.

Can you say “instant street cred”?

Here’s Scott Stapp meeting his cellmate:

“Hey, you’re that guy from Creed, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Big frickin’ whoop.”
“What are you doing in prison, man?”
“A frickin’ domestic assault charge.”
“Oh, so you beat your wife?”
“Nope. Didn’t even come close.”

That’s his wife. You can tell she doesn’t regret a single decision she’s made in the last two years.

Stapp fact: Scott Stapp was arrested for public intoxication at the airport on the way to his honeymoon. Months later, that poor woman had his baby.

Imagine if this was your husband: 

I bet she called the cops yesterday because she just realized she had a baby with Scott Stapp. Not only is that a form of domestic assault in itself, it’s also at least two counts of manslaughter, because her life is over and so is their daughter’s.

Stapp Fact: Scott Stapp was featured on the Passion of the Christ soundtrack. He was also beaten up in a hotel lobby by the band 311.

Seriously, how do you get arrested in Boca Raton, Florida for almost-but-not-quite beating your wife? That’s so embarrassing.

You know who else lives in Boca Raton, Florida? My grandma, Mimi.

This is Mimi, next to her doppelganger, Carol Channing:

Granted, she is a bit frail, and usually has a ton of turquoise jewelry weighing her down, but I know for a fact that Mimi would land at least one solid punch before getting arrested for domestic assault. (Charges were eventually dropped.)

In conclusion, my Mimi could kick the shit out of Scott Stapp.

And…my sister looks like Raven Symone.

R. Kelly is so tight.

In a recent interview, he told Hip Hop Soul Magazine (and its 7 subscribers):

“I’m the Ali of today. I’m the Marvin Gaye of today. I’m the Bob Marley of today. I’m the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now.”

Finally (finally!) people are starting to realize that R. Kelly is the Martin Luther King of today.

(At first I was going to Photoshop the “Chocolate Factory” album, but then I realized that would be racist.)

Frankly, R. Kelly comparing himself to Martin Luther King is a little ridiculous. I mean, MLK never wrote a song about sex weed. Or the Virginia Tech shootings. Plus, Dr. King had dreams but did nothing with them. Kelly, on the other hand,  takes his dreams and makes them a reality. And if happens to be that dream where he’s peeing on the chest of a teenage girl in some kind of penthouse terrarium, so be it.

Seriously though, what a difference a few years make. Remember back in ‘03, when Kellz was first accused of owning child pornography? Back then he felt a lot less like MLK. In fact, he said:

“Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through.”

(click on that pic to hear the LOLiest song ever.)

Maybe R. Kelly is just a really, really bad Dennis Miller. Or vice versa.

Continuing on the R. Kelly tip, yesterday the New York Magazine website posted this question:

My guess is no. But, if that was a TV show, I’d def watch the shit out of it.

For every major American tragedy, there is an artist who steps up and writes a song that captures the moment, helping us all cope with the profound feelings of loss and devastation. 9-11 had Bruce Springsteen, Hurricane Katrina had U2 & Green Day, and now Virginia Tech has R&B superstar R. Kelly.

R. Kelly, who is an alleged (alleged=video taped) child-molester (molester=used as a toilet), felt moved to compose his tribute after watching the terrible events unfold on TV two weeks ago.

You can listen to the “inspirational” song here: 

My mistake. That’s a different song he wrote called “Sex Weed,” which is about having sex that is so good it’s exactly like smoking weed!!! Sex weed. You know, when the sex is like weed and the weed is like sex?

Sex give me the munchies
And now I wanna eat it up, oh!

Best lyric of all time? (Answer: yes.)

Least appropriate person in the world to write a tribute song to a school shooting? (Also: yes.)

Nooooo, Kellz. You’re the one who wasn’t convicted of a sex crime, remember? How soon we forget. Lay off the sex weed, buddy. 

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