If you feel like it, why don’t you check out the weekly blog Noah Garfinkel and I are writing for Comedy Central? (I hope you love politics and/or an overabundance of embedded Red Lasso videos!)

Michael Bay’s Transformers made like a billion dollars over the Fourth of July holiday. $80.50 of those dollars belonged to me. Look:

“7 Adult Tickets to: Transformers (PG-13).” That’s basically where my life is right now.

I’ve been waiting for a live-action Transformers movie for over 20 years, and I say that truthfully. I haven’t been this excited for a movie since Michael Crichton’s Congo in 1995. (Also true.)

All I have to say about Transformers is: I’m going to have to see at least eight more times. Not only because it was amazing, but because it was also quite possibly the most confusing film I’ve ever seen. It was so fast and so loud, I had very little idea what was going on. It was like a car wreck, only it lasted longer than two hours, and the cars were also 60-foot robots. 

Within the first ten minutes of the movie, the setting changed from outer space, to Qatar, to the North Pole a hundred years ago, to Bernie Mac’s used car lot. It was simply too much to comprehend. I made a list of things I think I understood. These twelve things constitute all I was able to process after one viewing:

TWELVE OBSERVATIONS ABOUT TRANSFORMERS:

1. Transformers was the best movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

2. Transformers was the most retarded movie I’ve ever seen in my life. (I mean “retarded” not in a colloquial sense, but in a retarded-people sense.)

3. If you didn’t already know, Transformers are an advanced and ancient species of alien cyborgs who speak English and all turn into General Motors vehicles. They are divided into good robots (Autobots) and some are bad robots (Decepticons).

4. All Autobots understand the importance of good, old-fashioned physical comedy.

5. You know when a police car is really a Decepticon in disguise when the decal on its rear door says “To Punish and Enslave” instead of “To Protect and Serve.” Sort of a dead giveaway, if you ask me.

6. One Autobot is named “Jazz.” He’s the “Black” one. He loves to break dance, lacks a certain amount of empathy, and turns into a Pontiac Solstice. (Minor quibble: wouldn’t a real Black robot turn into a Cadillac? Or at least a GMC Yukon? I watch The Wire, I know what’s up.) Jazz was voiced by veteran actor Darius McCrary, better known to many as Eddie Winslow. So tight.

7. Jazz is also the only Autobot to die. Obviously. This raises an interesting question: Is Jazz’s death yet another example of a predictable Hollywood stereotype, or are you crazy to think it’s racist when an alien Pontiac dies in battle?

8. There will be an applause break in the theater when Bumblebee transforms from a rusty old hoopty into a 2008 Chevrolet Camaro. The cheering will not be sarcastic.

9. Because they’re machines, Transformers don’t produce bodily waste. However, they will totally piss on your head for the sake of comic relief (see #4). 

10. Remember when girls in high school looked like this?

11. The words “Put that cube in my chest!” only get funnier the more times they’re uttered.

12. The movie ends with what looks like the beginning of a human/car/robot orgy. Leaving room for a very exciting, and erotic, sequel.

Needless to say, I give it 5/5 stars CARS!

Citgo’s new ad campaign is so Roc La Familia.

Flagrant plagiarism. Jay-Z should sue Citgo for infringement. Just like last year, when former pro wrestler Diamond Dallas Page sued Jay-Z over the hand sign.

DDP: the originator, none greater.

From Wikipedia:

Page is commonly associated with the “Diamond Cutter” symbol, also referred to as a “Self High Five” - a hand gesture made by joining the thumbs and index fingers on each hand to form a diamond shape, then parting the two hands in one swift motion. He created the symbol in 1996 and later copyrighted it.

Also from Wikipedia:

In his autobiography, Have a Nice Day, Mick Foley details an incident that occurred while he and Stone Cold Steve Austin were travelling with Page. Irritated by Page’s constantly upbeat attitude, the two determined to make Page lose his composure. After a number of attempts, the two found success by placing ground cookies on Page’s hotel room bed, and when Page got into bed, hilarity ensued.

“HILARITY ENSUED.”

He’s just sampled it.

That hand sign isn’t looking so good.

Blood pressure falling…

…we’re losing him…

Get the defibrillator! We lost its pulse…

Too late, it’s gone. Time of death: whenever that happened.

(more…)