I’m doing my show, Workdays with Maury, this Friday at UCB Theater. Joining me this time will be the amazing Chris Gethard and the wonderful Chelsea Peretti.

Ticket reservations can be made here: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/reservations/create/12698

I’m telling one of the most embarrassing stories of my life at “Nights of Our Lives.” It’s tonight at 9:30 pm at the UCB Theater. You should come. It’s pretty much my favorite show in NYC.

Reserve your tickets here: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/reservations/create/11864

The theme is intimacy issues. (I’ll be doing the icks story, if that means anything to you.)

This Thursday, I will be taking part in two very exciting shows. The first one, “Workdays with Maury,” is at 6:30 pm at the UCB Theater. It’s a little thing I wrote about my adventures working as an unpaid intern at The Maury Povich Show. It’s sort of trial run, so this may or may not be the only time I perform it.

Then at 8:00 pm, as always, I will be hosting Totally JK at Rififi with my friend Noah Garfinkel.

My real friends will make it to both of these.

Sometimes I think to myself, “I wish there was a show on TV, a documentary, about a Hollywood actor going abroad to search for spiritual enlightenment. Preferably an actor from the worst show on television. An actor with thinning hair who was also a GAP model and is sometimes in rap videos for no explainable reason.”

Well, guess what? It happened! And it’s in H-muthafuckin’-D, kid!

I’m speaking, of course, of the Discovery HD program called “Jeremy Piven’s Journey of a Lifetime.” It follows the 42 year-old Emmy-award winning star of Entourage, as he travels the subcontinent to finally experience the semester abroad he never got to have as a kid. And we’re all invited along for the ride (in HIGH DEFINITION, no less)!

My favorite part of JP’S JL was when Jeremy Piven visits a temple in Rishikesh, India, and decides to get intensely gay with his new Hindu homeboy, Swami G.

Uhm…is this a TV show? Or the “Introduction to Travel Writing” course I took at Emerson College? Because, seriously, this shit needs some serious peer review and revision.

I love it when he’s like:

“At the end of the river Ganges, I found a sense of peace. A sense of balance I have never felt. This was totally unexpected and unplanned.”

“…it was, like, out of the blue. A complete coincidence that there was a camera crew was following my every move. So weird.”

“Right now I just feel the current of the river Ganges. I kind of feel that current still, in a weird way, flowing. I feel lighter. I mean, if you to say what was the defining moment of this trip, that would definitely be it. That makes it a journey of a lifetime.”

“…a journey of a lifetime I just so happened to executive produce, thank you very much.”

What a douche. And asking Swami G for a mantra? In front of all the cameras? Bad manners, much?

Swami G. is tight, though.

Actually, I think the blooper reel at the end was the worst/best part. (Spoiler alert: he’s the blooper.) Piven clearly had a catchphrase he wanted integrated into the show, but guess what? It’s terribly embarrassing. Also, watch as he somehow manages to be condescending to a monkey.

Thing is, JP, most people can’t be a traveler. Because most people can’t be a movie premium cable TV star.

Jeremy Piven is like that dude at the end of 12 Monkeys, except he’s spreading his PLIPPS all over the world.

I really hope Journey of a Lifetime 2 takes him to Iraq.

Addendum: I’ve been informed that this show first aired months ago, which means what I saw was a rerun. That makes it so much worse.

Tonight at 8pm, Noah Garfinkel and I host another exciting installment of Totally JK. Come on down to Rififi and take part in the magic.

I wrote this poem and then paid Malcolm-Jamal Warner recite for me:

See you at 8? Thanks in advance.

I got asked to be the last-minute host for tonight’s Heeb Storytelling Session. It’s part of the Diamond Days Music Festival and will take place in a Polish church in Brooklyn. Or something? More info below.

Heeb Storytelling
Friday, July 20th
The Church of the Messiah: 129 Russell Street (between Nassau and Driggs)
Greenpoint, Brooklyn
7pm, $10

Hosted by: Joe Mande
Featuring: Gabe and Jenny, Max Silvestri, Adira Amram, and Esther Ku