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Earlier this afternoon, singer R. Kelly was found not guilty on all 14 charges of his child pornography case.
GULP! You know this verdict means? KID RIOTS!!!
When asked what he planned to do now that he is legally vindicated, R. Kelly told journalists, “I’m going to Disney World! No, seriously. I’m going to Disney World and taking a leak on all those lil’ motherf*ckers!”
(There. I did it. You’re welcome for that timely reference.)
1. Rabbi Mordechai Friedman may hate Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, but he loves reading from the newspaper…
2. Here’s the latest Andy Rooney Game about wristwatches…
3. And come to my show “Workdays with Maury” this Monday at 8pm!
Come to Totally JK tonight. It’s going to be very fun. We have the national treasure himself, MIKE BIRBIGLIA! The very funny and talented BOB POWERS will be coming by to read from his new book You Are a Miserable Excuse for a Hero! And possible vice-presidential candidate JACQUELINE NOVAK will be telling some jokes as well. Plus more!
Lovely.
Yesterday was Memorial Day and I had a great time. No joke, Memorial Day is one of my favorite holidays. As an American citizen, I think it’s important that we all stop and take a moment to honor and remember all the important memorials we’ve seen in our lives. To be honest, I don’t know where I’d be without all those memorials. (I normally use memorials as landmarks, so…)
Here’s the Andy Rooney Game from Sunday, where he talks all about Memorial Day.
Hey friends,
I know it’s raining outside, but you should still come to Totally JK tonight at Rififi. Noah and I have an amazing show planned. The legendary Todd Barry (Conan, Letterman, Hollywood films), the multi-talented Larry Murphy (Home Movies, Assy McGee), the peerless Chris Gethard (UCB stalwart and an author of books), and the wonderful Mike Drucker (236.com). Plus more?
Seriously, please come to this show. Please. PLEASE. PLEEEEEEEEEASE.
(Note: the above video has nothing to do with tonight’s show.)
Late last night, I was alone in my living room gathering star bits, when I received this email regarding something I wrote about Michael Douglas’ fucked up son last October.
Dear Joe:
I think what you posted about Michael Douglas’s son is really awful and that it would be cool of you to take down those comments on the mug shot at least. I love comedy, but that is really practically heartless. We don’t really know whose drugs those were and it’s not fair to judge someone so harshly. If they really are his drugs and he is on drugs, then he is probably at rock bottom and comments like yours could be what push him over the edge. He had an uncle who died of a drug overdose and this things is really a family tragedy and no laughing matter. It is so easy to make fun of people when they’re down, and not any sort of sign of comedic skill.Will you please take it down? It would say a lot about you…
[Redacted]
Dear [Redacted],
Thank you for the email. I’m sad to say I cannot take that post down for you. Mostly because I don’t know how to do that. I’m sorry. But, please know that I do respect and understand your concerns. We live in a society where Hollywood fuckups are innocent until proven guilty. One shouldn’t rush to judgment, especially if one writes such an important and influential “blog” as joemande.com. (barf)
Therefore, what I decided to do for you is go back and fix the mugshot in question. I sincerely hope this helps Cameron Douglas not kill himself.
You’re welcome. Best of luck.
Proving racism still exists in America, New Hampshire voters made Hillary Clinton the surprise winner of last night’s primary, over Barack the Black Abe Lincoln. Pollsters and pundits had assumed all day long that Obama would carry the state because of the record turnout. But, it turns out the turnout preferred the more experienced Democratic candidate, who campaigns on a promise to use her barfy witch face to bring about certain doom and damnation upon the entire world.
Sorry, was “barfy witch face” too harsh? Explain this, then:
If she’s really the candidate of change, maybe she should change her FAAAACE!
Seriously though, I wonder if New Hampshirers were told they were voting in a Presidential EEEEEK-lection.
Whatever. I suppose it is exciting to see democracy in action, not matter what the results may be. At least the young Clinton supporters seem like an intelligent and caring bunch. It’s not like they’re the type of people who would emphatically cheer for poor Americans trying, and failing, to go to college and failing to achieve their dreams.
A vote for Clinton is a vote for PLIPPS.
Alright. Alright. I admit it. I’m back on the Huckabee bandwagon.
Last week I said I was voting for Tom Tancredo (who I still think is the most qualified and best looking of all the candidates), but right now it doesn’t look like his campaign has much of a chance, which is a shame because he seems to be the only person running who knows the danger of Mexican Jihadists who like to go on shopping mall rampages.
Huckabee, meanwhile, is surging and looking more and more presidential everyday. And by “presidential” I mean “like a deflated tire.” (If Huckabee wins, it’ll be just like my screenplay President Thinner, which was an unauthorized sequel to Steven King’s Thinner combined with a retelling of the 1995 classic The American President.) I’ll listen to any candidate who has overcome morbid obesity. I’ll consider anyone in favor of AIDS colonies. And I’ll fucking endorse any man with a fat ugly son who likes to lynch stray dogs in the woods at Boy Scout camp.
This is a picture of Fat Mike Huckabee next to Skinny Mike Huckabee:
And here’s one of Skinny Mike Huckabee next to a sea turtle:
I really love the new campaign ad from Huckabee. Some people say he’s trying to subliminally use Christian religious symbolism, but I don’t see it.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s nothing creepily religious about that at all.
Here’s Mike Huckabee on MSNBC addressing the “floating cross” controversy:
Mike Huckabee:
“It is a bookshelf people. A. Book. Shelf…Actually, what you didn’t catch was with my eyes I was signaling…a very secret code to all the Evangelicals out there.”
Actually, Governor Thiiiiinnennneeeeeerrrrrrrr, I did catch that.
I’m back from my vacation, people! I think I got tan and fat. Also, I’m happy to report that my stress-induced bald spot has started to grown back in! So, now it just looks like I have ringworm on my head!
Come to the show tonight and see for yourself!
TOTALLY JK with Joe and Noah
TONIGHT!
Rififi: 332 E. 11th Street
8pm/$5/21+
with…
Hannibal
Dan Cartwright
Claudia Cogan
John Kneffel
and the music of Jim Hanft
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