Evolution? Really, RG? Good call on that one. Because gun nuts love science terms.

Here’s a transcript of his speech:

“Good morning, NRA. Thank you for inviting me today. I believe guns came from monkeys. 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. Vote for me. (fart noise)”

He didn’t actually say that. But…sort of.

I’m not the first person to say this, but Michael Vick is an asshole.

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

I’m not normally a gossip, but I have some very juicy inside-info about a new HOLLYWOOD POWER COUPLE!

My sources* tell me that skanktress Lindsey Lohan is bedding the best rapper alive, Lil’ Wayne!

Move over, TomKat and Brangelina! It’s Lindl’ Wayhan! It’s a match made in heaven prison.

My sources* tell me that this relationship is the real deal, people. They are totes goo-goo-ga-ga for each other. And when they’re apart, they go so far as to coordinate their felony arrests! How romantic is that? Like, last night Lindsay got busted for drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica while Lil’ Wayne getting charged for gun possession in New York City. TOO CUTE!

A Santa Monica Police representative said that ”Lindsay looks really happy,” and “Cocaine was found in her pants pocket.” 

Meanwhile, an NYPD officer told me privately that, ”Lil’ Wayne wants to marry that girl,” and “Another person, so far uncharged, stuffed 7 pounds of marijuana down the tour bus’ toilet as officers approached.”

Are those wedding bells I hear? No, wait, sorry. Those are sirens.

(Thanks to Greg Johnson for the Drudge sirens.)

Besides substance abuse problems, they both have daddy issues too!

For real, though, please let me know if/when ”FREE WEEZY” t-shirts become available on-line, because I’m going to want to order at least ten of them.

*= wishful imagination

Did you hear about that Chris Benoit guy who strangled his whole family and killed himself last week? Yikes! Who saw that coming?

Weird, he looks super stable.

This quote was in Time Magazine:

He then added, “I mean, Chris was normal guy…who took steroids and strangled people for money. That’s the Chris I know. But, going berserk and choking those close to him? I just don’t see it.”

Oh yeah? Well, how about you shut the fuck up before I put a hole in your big bald head, you stupid Jew.

He a G.D., yo! Get him!

Former Creed front man and Christian rock bad boy, Scott Stapp, was arrested yesterday on domestic assault charges at his home in Boca Raton, Florida.

Yikes! Look at those mean eyes. And the way his muscle T prominently shows off his tribal crucifix tattoo? Oh man, Stapp is a beast! I wouldn’t even think about messing with a dude like that. Domestic assault? Forget it. I bet he decimated his wife. I bet he caved her face in. I bet–

“No one was injured and no one was taken to the hospital,” a Sheriff’s Office spokesman.

Can you say “instant street cred”?

Here’s Scott Stapp meeting his cellmate:

“Hey, you’re that guy from Creed, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Big frickin’ whoop.”
“What are you doing in prison, man?”
“A frickin’ domestic assault charge.”
“Oh, so you beat your wife?”
“Nope. Didn’t even come close.”

That’s his wife. You can tell she doesn’t regret a single decision she’s made in the last two years.

Stapp fact: Scott Stapp was arrested for public intoxication at the airport on the way to his honeymoon. Months later, that poor woman had his baby.

Imagine if this was your husband: 

I bet she called the cops yesterday because she just realized she had a baby with Scott Stapp. Not only is that a form of domestic assault in itself, it’s also at least two counts of manslaughter, because her life is over and so is their daughter’s.

Stapp Fact: Scott Stapp was featured on the Passion of the Christ soundtrack. He was also beaten up in a hotel lobby by the band 311.

Seriously, how do you get arrested in Boca Raton, Florida for almost-but-not-quite beating your wife? That’s so embarrassing.

You know who else lives in Boca Raton, Florida? My grandma, Mimi.

This is Mimi, next to her doppelganger, Carol Channing:

Granted, she is a bit frail, and usually has a ton of turquoise jewelry weighing her down, but I know for a fact that Mimi would land at least one solid punch before getting arrested for domestic assault. (Charges were eventually dropped.)

In conclusion, my Mimi could kick the shit out of Scott Stapp.

And…my sister looks like Raven Symone.

OMG! Fort Dix was almost attacked! 

Six alleged terrorists were arrested last night for their plot to infiltrate and attack Fort Dix.

Seriously how scary is that? Terrorists! In America! Trying to blow up our Dix! Why haven’t the terror alert colors changed? What’s going on?

The six are from the former Yugoslavia…

…they trained in the Poconos Mountains…

…they played paintball…

…the individuals are “hardly hard core terrorists,” one law enforcement source said….

…”not the type that made the hair on the back of your neck stand up.”

Wait. Are you kidding me? Nerd terrorists? Like, an actual revenge of the nerds?

That makes this dude America. (Which I guess he sort of is, foreign policy-wise.) 

I seriously can’t wait to see the mugshots. $20 says one of them is wearing a Vote For Pedro shirt.

At least 50% of their TiVo is G4 programming.

One of the sources said there is a video and an audiotape of the planning.

The video:

The audiotape:

(All midi files of TV theme songs.)

For every major American tragedy, there is an artist who steps up and writes a song that captures the moment, helping us all cope with the profound feelings of loss and devastation. 9-11 had Bruce Springsteen, Hurricane Katrina had U2 & Green Day, and now Virginia Tech has R&B superstar R. Kelly.

R. Kelly, who is an alleged (alleged=video taped) child-molester (molester=used as a toilet), felt moved to compose his tribute after watching the terrible events unfold on TV two weeks ago.

You can listen to the “inspirational” song here: 

My mistake. That’s a different song he wrote called “Sex Weed,” which is about having sex that is so good it’s exactly like smoking weed!!! Sex weed. You know, when the sex is like weed and the weed is like sex?

Sex give me the munchies
And now I wanna eat it up, oh!

Best lyric of all time? (Answer: yes.)

Least appropriate person in the world to write a tribute song to a school shooting? (Also: yes.)

Nooooo, Kellz. You’re the one who wasn’t convicted of a sex crime, remember? How soon we forget. Lay off the sex weed, buddy. 

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