I’m telling one of the most embarrassing stories of my life at “Nights of Our Lives.” It’s tonight at 9:30 pm at the UCB Theater. You should come. It’s pretty much my favorite show in NYC.

Reserve your tickets here: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/reservations/create/11864

The theme is intimacy issues. (I’ll be doing the icks story, if that means anything to you.)

I want to earn my PhD in LSD.

(Thanks to Walker and Cantrell.)

Last week, Max Silvestri and I made a viral video spoofing the important VH1 reality show The Pick Up Artist. Needless to say, the youtube was a sensation that swept the internet like a monsoon of chocolate rain yelling “Leave Britney alone!!!”

Anyway, the effect of our video was more powerful than even Max and I could have imagined (which is crazy, because we both imagined the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences creating the category “Best YouTube” just so they could give us an Oscar for our work).

Anyway anyway, you should seriously go to Max’s blog immediately to check out the email that PUA contestant Joe D* wrote to us regarding the video. It’s pretty much the best non-Maury Povich thing to ever happen to me.

* = a.k.a. “The Glamorous Pig,” as my GF lovingly refers to him.

The National Center for Health Statistics is reporting that American teens are having way less sex than ever before! And the ones who are having sex are doing it safely!

From CNN.com:

Experts couldn’t explain why teen blindness was on the rise. (Seriously, what is that picture? “Aaaah, I got a boner again. Let’s go look at the sun.”)

Hey, CNN and the National Center of Health Statistics, listen up: Teen sex surveys are the least trustworthy things in the universe. Every time I filled one out in high school, I ended up saying I was a pregnant 14 year-old Inuit/Filipino lesbian who had been with over 20 sexual partners (male and female), had six abortions, only used condoms for chewing gum like in the movie Coneheads, and contracted HIV by having anal sex with heroin needles.  

Because why tell the government you’re actually a 16 year-old Jewish virgin who sometimes drank from your Dad’s vodka in the downstairs freezer before staying up all night with all your other virgin friends playing Sega Dreamcast and making mean-spirited dioramas? That would be super lame.