I hate that I love this.

Looks like Huckabee’s going after the South Park voters. Ridiculous. I hope he makes Lonelygirl15 his running mate.

Two weeks from now, Barack Obama’s going to be all, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” This is why I couldn’t be a poli-sci major.

Chuck Norris jokes? Zrlzlyuguys, who’s this dude’s campaign manager? Andy Milonakis?

That “kid” has had PLIPPS since birth. Andy MilonaPLIPPS Disease. So sad. (I heard his childhood was exactly like that movie Lorenzo’s Oil, except his parents just fed him so much Sbarro.)

Huckabee is so tight. I bet he owns a Wii.

I’d vote for a President Hugs-his-wii. “I support a constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of Nintendo Wiis…and, also, no more abortions.”

Paul Wellstone. 5 years dead today.

The Sandy Koufax of politicians. (Sandy Koufax sang “La Bamba,” right?)

Addendum:

So, I have this joke I sometimes tell where I say that Chamillionaire is my favorite rapper. This, of course, isn’t really true; I’ve only heard that one song of his (about filthy driving or whatever) and was not impressed. I say he’s my favorite because I really enjoy making fun of his name. Chamillionaire has to be the best (/worst) rap name ever. 

I still think he should call himself “Deepvoice Uglyface.”

(Sidenote: ”Lizard” is also the word rappers use for “lard.” As in: “You shouldn’t cook with lizard, son. That shit is full of lizzipids.”)

N*E*WAYZ!!! I was watching MTV this morning, which was playing music videos for some reason , and I happened to catch the new Chamillionaire video. I soon realized that the song features Slick Rick, who happens to actually be my favorite rapper. (Or, at least up there with Lil’ Wayne and Ghostface.) It was very exciting.

You may be asking, what happens when your pretend favorite rapper collaborates with your real favorite rapper?

(more…)

Evolution? Really, RG? Good call on that one. Because gun nuts love science terms.

Here’s a transcript of his speech:

“Good morning, NRA. Thank you for inviting me today. I believe guns came from monkeys. 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. Vote for me. (fart noise)”

He didn’t actually say that. But…sort of.

1. I’ve been meaning to write something very clever and thoughtful for the past couple of days, but instead I’ve just been watching this video over and over again:

(It’s my new Montgomery Mini-Mall.)

2. Who’s pumped for the new Osama bin Threat-tape? I know I am! Have you seen the sneak peek pictures of the guy? He looks better than ever! Me thinks he’s been using some of this:

3. Lastly, you should def come to Rififi on Sunday night, for I will be co-hosting Max Silvestri’s monthly show “I Like Attention.” It’s always a fun and exciting time, plus Max and I made a video.

So, after getting mesmerized by the Battlecry snippet last week, I went ahead and tivoed the entire CNN “God’s Warriors” mini-series. I must admit Christiane Amanpour does a great job making all three major religions look coo-coo.

Although, the Evangelical Christians are clearly the winners (which is probably why she saved that episode for last). How, you might ask, could a group of American Christians possibly be crazier than Israeli settlers and Islamic suicide bombers? Well, at least when insane Jews and Muslims go to war, those wars are real. Oh, also, Jewish minstrel shows:

If you didn’t catch that, the hoe-down version of Hava Nagilah goes a little something like this:

Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Chickens in the barnyard pickin’ up grain.
Goin’ about things the southern way.
Next year in Jerusalem. V’nism’cha! Wooo!
(fiddle solo)

BTW, that minister is so tight! He just loves Israel. So much so that he built his own wailing wall and even wrote his own Nostradamus book about Jesus slaying the all the Jews on Judgement Day.

I got a lot to say about this, but I don’t want to get all Marc Maron on your asses.

Senior Idaho Senator Larry Craig stepped down as Senatorial liaison for the Mitt Romney presidential campaign yesterday after it was discovered that he was arrested for “lewd conduct” in the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport back in June.

Artist’s interpretation:

You can read the article here. It’s pretty amazing, although I must say I wish the cop was a little more descriptive regarding the “lewd conduct” the Senator was looking to participate in. Because, right now, the whole encounter reads like a Benny Hill sketch. There’s a lot of confused, horny pantomime.

Related story: Mitt Romney’s romance novels

The owner of the Seattle SuperSonics said today that he plans on moving his NBA team to Oklahoma City.

Uhm…it’s about fucking time! What a disgrace it’s been to watch an important and bustling American metropolis like Oklahoma City go without a professional basketball team for so long. This is Oklahoma City, Oklahoma we’re talking about here, people. The big OKC! The seventh biggest city in the country (in terms of geographical area)! The only capital city that shares the name of its state!  

My only hope is that when the team does move, that they change their name. I mean, when you move a franchise from a city like New Orleans to a place like Utah, obviously it makes sense to keep the name “Jazz”. However, “Oklahoma City SuperSonics” doesn’t sound very good. So, here are some suggestions I have for new team names:

D.T., of course, stands for Domestic Terrorism.

Oh, and this woman could be the Dust Bowls’ mascot:

T.O.T. = Trail of Tears. Also, tater tots, which are delicious. 

This was on the front page of MSNBC.com today:

Great question! But, no. Those look like monkey bars to me. Terrifying monkey bars, obviously, but monkey bars nonetheless.

I love how much airtime those monkey bars get. Literally every time the news talks about terrorism, cut to monkey bars. You know the main Jihadi trainer was telling the cameraman, “We have trampolines, dude! Get some trampoline footage! No? Well, how about over there, the goat’s head tetherball? Oh, I see, you’re just going to film the monkey bars? This is why we hate you people.”

I also think it’s kind of ironic that terrorist basic training is the exact same thing as those grade school Presidential fitness tests, only you have to wear a hood the whole time. Actually, that’s probably even better because no one can point and laugh at you when you start crying.

What I’m saying is if you have to do a Flexed-Arm Hang to join Al-Qaeda, they can count me out. I hate that shit. 

That’s more like it.

Oh, and speaking of monkey bars (it’s about a minute in, or so):