If you feel like it, why don’t you check out the weekly blog Noah Garfinkel and I are writing for Comedy Central? (I hope you love politics and/or an overabundance of embedded Red Lasso videos!)

A new show premiered on MTV this week called Rock The Cradle. It’s basically like American Idol, except the contestants all happen to be the spoiled neglected children of terrible washed-up musicians. It’s pretty much the best idea for a television show. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that it’s executed flawlessly.

Well, almost flawlessly. The only thing I think the show could improve upon is maybe paying more attention to the non-musician parents of the contestants. Sure, it’s great to see MC Hammer and Dee Snider there, giving guidance and support to their talented kids. But what about their moms? They’re the ones who actually raised these child prodigies into the undeniable rock stars they are today. Yet, there’s no mention of them on the show nor any information about them on the show’s website.

So, after hours and hours of online detective work, I’ve finally completed a full list of all the Rock the Cradle parents. Enjoy:

A’Keiba Burrell:

Daughter of MC Hammer and “The Chief.”

Fun fact: A’Keiba means “Listen up, gumshoes!” in Swahili. (I totally found that picture by googling “that black lady on carmen sandiego.”)

Lucy Walsh:

Daughter of Eagles’ guitarist Joe Walsh and slutty Paula Zahn.

Jesse Money:

Daughter of rocker Eddie Money (who still looks great, by the way) and Kimmy Gibler.

Lara Johnston:

Daughter of the Doobie Brothers singer Tom Johnston and an adorable, yet alcoholic, little kitten.

Lil’ B. Sure:

Son of R&B singer Al B. Sure and MadTV’s Debra Wlson. (I think this one could be true.)

Crosby Loggins: (How has he not killed himself already with that name? So gross.)

What happens when Kenny Loggins uses a time-traveling beard trimmer.

Jesse Snider:

Son of Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider and Aaron Carter.

This show is his to lose. I’m calling it now.

Chloe Lattanzi:

Daughter of Olivia Newton John and the mutated Simpsons fish.

Landon Brown:

The love child of Bobby Brown and a prostitute inside a Kid Robot store.

Considering that 95% of my website is about how much I love Lil’ Wayne and how much I hate Hillary Clinton, it’s pretty clear that my two favorite non-pizza things in this world are hip-hop music and American politics. Nothing makes me more excited when these two things come together.

This story just hit the wires and it’s great:

Really 50? You can’t make up your mind?

I guess you don’t really have to be loyal to any one specific candidate when you’re…a convicted felon. He’s a felon, right? Isn’t that his “thing”? He better be! That’s why I bought his first album.

This is the best sentence in the article:

After hearing Obama’s stunning speech on race in America earlier this month, the rapper pulled what is now commonly known in political circles as a “Bill Richardson.”

Exactly. For those of you who don’t know, pulling a “Bill Richardson” is when you buy a bunch of stock in Vitamin Water, get caught snorting coke on Croatian television, and then grow an embarrassing beard.

50 Cent is the worst. I’d totally tell him that to his face.

Look, you guys! I just made this:

April fools! (I’m not that good at Garageband!)

In theory, I should love cheesecake. I love cheese and I love cake, but for some reason the combination of the two has never won me over. It certainly tastes great, yes. But the problem is its unwieldiness. You can’t just pop cheesecake in your mouth and call it a day. No, in fact, it’s not poppable at all. You need a fork to eat the stuff (sometimes even a knife), which as we all know is completely unacceptable. Cheesecake’s stubborn refusal to make that next logical step–to poppermorphosize, if you will–has, in my opinion, forever doomed it to be classified as an imperfect, sub-standard desert.

Or so I thought.

Problem solved. Thanks Arby’s.

PS: Nice work pairing it with ketchup.

Late last night, I was alone in my living room gathering star bits, when I received this email regarding something I wrote about Michael Douglas’ fucked up son last October.

Dear Joe:
I think what you posted about Michael Douglas’s son is really awful and that it would be cool of you to take down those comments on the mug shot at least. I love comedy, but that is really practically heartless. We don’t really know whose drugs those were and it’s not fair to judge someone so harshly. If they really are his drugs and he is on drugs, then he is probably at rock bottom and comments like yours could be what push him over the edge. He had an uncle who died of a drug overdose and this things is really a family tragedy and no laughing matter. It is so easy to make fun of people when they’re down, and not any sort of sign of comedic skill.

Will you please take it down? It would say a lot about you…
[Redacted]

Dear [Redacted],

Thank you for the email. I’m sad to say I cannot take that post down for you. Mostly because I don’t know how to do that. I’m sorry. But, please know that I do respect and understand your concerns. We live in a society where Hollywood fuckups are innocent until proven guilty. One shouldn’t rush to judgment, especially if one writes such an important and influential “blog” as joemande.com. (barf)

Therefore, what I decided to do for you is go back and fix the mugshot in question. I sincerely hope this helps Cameron Douglas not kill himself.

You’re welcome. Best of luck.

Apparently the Lil Wayne and Zac Efron story is a fake, thus making Exhibit B in my “Lil Wayne v. Sanity” case unusable. Faulty evidence. I’m a little embarrassed that I fell for it, actually. It was obviously overdone, but I wanted it to be true so badly that I rushed to judgment. I should have known better. (But, in my defense, it wasn’t THAT hard to believe, considering the dude has a real life man crush on Robin Thicke.)

After some long self-flagellation/deliberation I decided not to erase yesterday’s post, because I still think my one-act play should be made.

My deepest apologies.

PS:

PPS:

For the past two years, I’ve had a full-time job at a fancy glasses store in Soho. However, I’m sad to say, today is my last day in the optical business.

During my time as an eyeglass employee, I’ve slowly been demoted from copywriter to window display artist to, finally, delivery boy. It’s been a long, strange experience that I feel deserves a long, self-indulgent recap.

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Please, please, please, pleeeeeease keep writing comments on my blog!!!!

tHAAt wUZ DA bezT HanOOKkaAh PREzZant (that wasn’t a video game system) EyE’ve EhVR GahTTEnn.

Thank you so much.

Love,

Joe

GREAT news!!! Last Call with Carson Daly is coming back on the air tonight! Despite the writers strike!

“I am SO MONEY” - Carson Daly, 2007

Carson Daly deserves everything he’s ever gotten in life. I truly believe that. I’m so pumped he’s coming back! That takes some sryz bllz, people. Plus, according to The Smoking Gun, CD is crossing the picket line in the classiest way possible: by asking his buddies to write jokes for him instead!

(Normally, I would be showing solidarity to the comedy writers. Obviously. However, it’s my humble opinion that if you make a living writing jokes for Carson Daly, right now you should just be happy that other people are writing jokes for Carson Daly. (Also, you should probably kill yourself.))

The best is the email Carson Daly sent out to his friends and family asking for material. I definitely recommend reading the email in it’s entirety. But if you don’t feel like it, which is totally understandable, it’s basically like this:

“Dear friends and family: So, as you probably don’t know, I for some reason host a late night network television show. Or, might I say I used to host a late night show, until all the Jews I hired went on strike. Lame. Anyways, I decided to just start the show back up again this week without them. And, the first thing I want to do when I get back is do a really funny bit about not having any writers! Ha! I’m thinking the bit would be about how my friends and family (you guys) keep calling me all the time and leaving me voice-mails with a bunch of funny ideas for jokes and stuff. So… if you have any funny ideas for jokes and stuff, let me know! Just make sure the joke works as a voicemail! Thanks in advance, Carson.”

This was his sample joke in the email:

Exampl: [sic]
It could be as simple as…BEEP “Hey Cars, its DAD, sorry bout the strike, gotta be tough on ya, try this one on the show…2 priests and a rabbi walk into a bar…….yada yada. Anyway, my back’s feeling better, those pills mom got me seem to be working….finally. bye.”

HAHAHAHA!!!! Now, that’s what I call jokes! Volume 6! Happy LOLidays, everybody! OMG, so good. I don’t even know what my favorite part of that joke is. The “yada yada” part? Or when he says that mom’s “pills” have finally started to work? HAHAHAHA!!!! Gene.

Please feel free to pass this along to others that WE know to participate. I’m only emailing a very small group because I’m lazy, I’ll trust your judgement [sic] on who [sic] you ask to leave a message. The more random and creative, the better (my personal doctor in NY is on this email). Quicker jokes will work well as will “classic” or “hacky” ones OR if you think got a “homerun” [sic] let her rip.

If you think you have a “homerun” for Carson (industry term, don’t worry about it), or even if you think you have a ground-rule double, you should call: 818-260-5107. Let her rip, you guys!

PS: PLIPPS, PLIPPS, PLIPPS, PLIPPS, PLIPPS.

This video made me realize my words mean nothing.

I’ve watched that over 100 times today. No joke.

Click below to see some more classic news bloops!

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