Look:

“Did you hear this, folks? Blah blah blah…blah blah blah…Michael Jackson joke…blah blah blah.”

Sometimes I think to myself, “I wish there was a show on TV, a documentary, about a Hollywood actor going abroad to search for spiritual enlightenment. Preferably an actor from the worst show on television. An actor with thinning hair who was also a GAP model and is sometimes in rap videos for no explainable reason.”

Well, guess what? It happened! And it’s in H-muthafuckin’-D, kid!

I’m speaking, of course, of the Discovery HD program called “Jeremy Piven’s Journey of a Lifetime.” It follows the 42 year-old Emmy-award winning star of Entourage, as he travels the subcontinent to finally experience the semester abroad he never got to have as a kid. And we’re all invited along for the ride (in HIGH DEFINITION, no less)!

My favorite part of JP’S JL was when Jeremy Piven visits a temple in Rishikesh, India, and decides to get intensely gay with his new Hindu homeboy, Swami G.

Uhm…is this a TV show? Or the “Introduction to Travel Writing” course I took at Emerson College? Because, seriously, this shit needs some serious peer review and revision.

I love it when he’s like:

“At the end of the river Ganges, I found a sense of peace. A sense of balance I have never felt. This was totally unexpected and unplanned.”

“…it was, like, out of the blue. A complete coincidence that there was a camera crew was following my every move. So weird.”

“Right now I just feel the current of the river Ganges. I kind of feel that current still, in a weird way, flowing. I feel lighter. I mean, if you to say what was the defining moment of this trip, that would definitely be it. That makes it a journey of a lifetime.”

“…a journey of a lifetime I just so happened to executive produce, thank you very much.”

What a douche. And asking Swami G for a mantra? In front of all the cameras? Bad manners, much?

Swami G. is tight, though.

Actually, I think the blooper reel at the end was the worst/best part. (Spoiler alert: he’s the blooper.) Piven clearly had a catchphrase he wanted integrated into the show, but guess what? It’s terribly embarrassing. Also, watch as he somehow manages to be condescending to a monkey.

Thing is, JP, most people can’t be a traveler. Because most people can’t be a movie premium cable TV star.

Jeremy Piven is like that dude at the end of 12 Monkeys, except he’s spreading his PLIPPS all over the world.

I really hope Journey of a Lifetime 2 takes him to Iraq.

Addendum: I’ve been informed that this show first aired months ago, which means what I saw was a rerun. That makes it so much worse.

Last night, during a concert in Boulder, Colorado, singer Annie Lennox panicked and rushed off-stage after seeing a man in the audience wearing a gas-mask and black cape.

“A fellow who was dressed in a black cape, platform boots and a gas mask approached the stage. Lennox saw him coming and threw down her microphone and went backstage.”

Wow. That’s so creepy. Seriously. There’s probably nothing in the entire world scarier than a weirdo in gas-mask.

Oh, wait…Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox is much, much scarier than a weirdo in a gas-mask.

What a freak.

BTW, here’s my recipe for homemade Annie Lennox:

2 cups lesbian vampire
1 cup Darfur refugee (bleached)
3/4 cup french prostitute
1/2 cup nursing home grandmother
1/2 cup David Bowie
10 shredded carrots
4 bats (or 6 dried bats)
1 VHS cassette Rosemary’s Baby
2 tbsp. velociraptor
2 Rubik’s cubes
1 Zorro mask
1 leather sex whip
1 bay leaf
salt and pepper (to taste)

Combine ingredients in a food processor, 8-10 pulses. Add mixture into a Crock Pot with 3 cups of water. Turn on and leave stewing in a dark cave for 100 years.  

After the jump, see a picture of Annie Lennox taken immediately after she ate comedian Dave Chappelle…

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One of my favorite TV shows is, has been, and will forever be the weekly late-night syndicated program Showtime at the Apollo. I can’t explain why I love this show so much, but I really do. (Some would say it’s because I exoticize Black culture, but whatevz.)

One of the best parts of the show (other than seeing legends like Jim Jones or Yung Joc perform LIVE!) is, of course, the “Amateur Night” talent show. This is the portion where the Apollo Theater audience decides if an unprofessional performer is good enough to not get booed off the stage. At times the crowd can be a little trigger-happy with their eliminations, but their judgement is usually always correct. (It should be noted, however, that gospel singers have never, and will never get booed off. Oh, and dancers always win. Always.)

Despite all this, my favorite part of the show still has to be the “Apollo Kids” portion at the end. This is when super-talented little kids take the stage and give it everything they got. More often than not, they are much more impressive than the adults. Whenever I watched it, though, I always wondered what would happen if a kid was truly terrible? Like, what if a little girl got up there and just started murdering a classic? The whole time thinking she was super fucking amazing? Would the crowd do the right thing? Would they find it in their hearts to knock the little girl down to size? Would they boo her with the same wonderful viciousness they give a talentless adult, even if that means she’ll probably end up becoming a cutter?

Well, it turns out the anwser is a big, fat NEGATIVE.

In fact, the crowd does the opposite. They encourage the kid to make an insane spectacle of herself and end up giving her a standing ovation at the end. (While clutching a bunny rag doll the whole time?)

So, without further ado, please allow me to present the best/worst Apollo Kids performance in history:

PS: Her face.

…for loving the new Nickelback video.

There’s nothing to write.

My feelings about the “Rockstar” video can only be expressed in the form of a venn diagram:

(click to enlarge, dummy)

ADDENDUM #1: Bam Margera should be included in ”Terrible.”
ADDENDUM #2: Not eating is a major component to becoming a rock star.

I’m seriously considering cancelling my cable subscription and spending $120 a month exclusively on whippits, because I’m pretty sure the net brain cell loss would be about the same. If not less.

I say this because last night was the premiere of MTV’s new show “Celebrity Rap Superstar.” The show is superb and probably my new favorite, but I’m pretty sure I forgot at least 8 state capitals just by watching it. The premise is simple: celebrities (a gossip blogger, Kevin Federline’s black ex-girlfriend, a retired football player, etc.) perform rap-karaoke with the help and guidance of their very own washed up rap superstar mentor. In other words, it’s all you could ever want or need from a television show.

There were two performances in particular that were utterly mind-blowing. The first was when Jason Wahler from Laguna Beachhad a full-blown PLIPPS attack while performing his rendition of the hip-hop classic “Ridin’” by Chamillionaire.

I think the problem was Jason Wahler thought he was cast for a show called “Celebrity Act Like an Out of Touch Camp Counselor Superstar.” Because, in that case, he nailed it.

By the way, Da Brat is a ZING MACHINE. (That’s a term I use for “stoned lesbian.”)

Here’s Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite doing a 50 Cent song:

It might have sounded really bad, but that’s only because this was the lyric sheet they gave him:

“In Da Club”
by: Fiddy Cent (not Fifty Cents)

You can find me in the club, body full of bub.
Mama, I got what you need if you need to feel a buzz.
I’m into having sex, not into making love.
So come give me a hug if you’re into ruh-muh-a-ruh.
If I pull up on funny, you see the bend on dup.
If I row twenty deep, it’s always jumping in the club.
When I roll with Dre, everybody show me love.
When I throw Eminem, you better ehhhhhm’love.
Zuh-muh-nuh-ma-nuh, … Jesus.

(Stop and squint eyes.)

If I got Shamu: L, M, N, O, Pimp.
Eh-guh…ha-choo, ch…guh…hassah hit.
If….ung-uh in LA, esta 50 is hot.
If I like me and I love me, but they love pot.
But holla in New York and Joe tell me I’m loco.
But holla in New York…en-summa-nuh choke-oh.

The voters should at least take that into consideration. Also, the fact that he seems to be a mentally retarded foreign person.

Prediction: This contest is Sebastian Bach’s to lose. He pwned it.

Yesterday morning, I went through the trouble of uploading the lesbian fox routine from the So You Think You Can Dance finale onto youtube. I did this because I felt it was important for those who missed it to see the most gaytarded thing ever made. In fact, I even edited it down a little–CUT THE FAT OUT–to streamline the gaytarded nature of the video and make it more enjoyable (see: less enjoyable) for the viewing public. And for what?

I’m sad to say that this stupid fucking clip is quickly becoming my most widely viewed online video. As of this morning, it’s gotten almost 3000 hits and already has garnered over 20 viewer comments. The comments, by the way, are overwhelmingly positive and completely void of irony.

The world is a cold, miserable, stupid place and youtube is the cause of it.

Click below to read my fave comments so far:

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I hate these people.

Yet, I have set my TiVo to record every episode of season 3. (Is self-schadenfreude a thing? Because I have it.)

And, despite what I previously thought, it looks as though PLIPPS is indeed contagious. Look what Brody Jenner did to poor Mr. Belding:

Barf. Everything about that picture is a nightmare.

I’m willing to bet $20 that my man Brody’s tongue got stained by drinking a six-pack of Ed Hardy Energy Drinks.

Hey, have you heard the new hot jam of the summer? It’s Will.I.Am’s “I Got It From My Mama”? Check it out, it’s dope!

Got it from my mama? LOL! That is classic Will.I.Am, right there! Boy, I’ll tell ya. That guy is something else. He’s maybe the most original voice we have in mainstream hip-hop today. An unparalled talent.

(Joe sets time machine back to 2002.)

Hey, have you heard the new hot jam of the summer? It’s Juvenile’s “Mama Got Ass (She Get it From Her Mama)”? Check it out, it’s the bomb!

Got it from her mama? LOL! That is too much! This Juvenile guy is something else. He’s on a whole other plane. A rap song about ass genetics? Forget about it. No one is even close to doing what he’s doing. NOR WILL ANYONE EVER COME CLOSE. That’s my prediction.

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.