Thanks to everyone who came out to last night’s Totally J/K. It was a really great show and the perfect way to finish off the year. (I want to say that we “went out in style,” but I can’t because that’s what that psycho kid wrote in his suicide letter right before he went and shot up that mall in Omaha last week. (Way to ruin a perfectly innocent figure of speech, asshole!))

N*E*WAYZ, Noah and I are already looking forward to starting the show back up again in 2008! We’re especially excited about our brand-new “Clip of the Wiik” segment of the show, which is when our friend Matt James secretly films the two of us playing Nintendo Wii together. It’s seriously the lamest, gayest, and most retarded Noah and I have ever been. And that’s really saying something. Enjoy!

I hate that I love this.

Looks like Huckabee’s going after the South Park voters. Ridiculous. I hope he makes Lonelygirl15 his running mate.

Two weeks from now, Barack Obama’s going to be all, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” This is why I couldn’t be a poli-sci major.

Chuck Norris jokes? Zrlzlyuguys, who’s this dude’s campaign manager? Andy Milonakis?

That “kid” has had PLIPPS since birth. Andy MilonaPLIPPS Disease. So sad. (I heard his childhood was exactly like that movie Lorenzo’s Oil, except his parents just fed him so much Sbarro.)

Huckabee is so tight. I bet he owns a Wii.

I’d vote for a President Hugs-his-wii. “I support a constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of Nintendo Wiis…and, also, no more abortions.”

To my friends and family:

Before I say anything else, I just want tell you all that I love you. Or, rather, I loved you. So much. This wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own. You’ve meant the world to me. Everything I was was because of you. I’ll cherish each and every moment I spent with you, the good times and the bad, for all of eternity.

Unfortunately, the time has come for me to say goodbye. I’m sorry it had to end like this. Please try to understand. I’ve tried so hard. So hard pretending to be something I’m not. Almost an entire year, living a lie. Living in agony. Fighting the urges. Ignoring the voice in my head that kept yelling, “DO IT, JOE! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! JUST DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH!”

I tried to be strong, but I guess I wasn’t quite strong enough.

The urge overtook me. I lost control. And now I’ll never see any of you again.

Last night, I bought a Nintendo Wii from the Toys R Us on Broadway. It’s everything I dreamed it would be. But, because no one ever wants to come to Queens, and I don’t plan on ever leaving my apartment again, I guess this means goodbye. It was a pleasure having known all of you. I’ll always love you. I couldn’t go on living a lie. This was how it had to end. I wish you all long and happy lives. And even though I won’t be here with you anymore in person, just remember that I’m in a happier place now (and that place is Super Mario Galaxy).

I’m so sorry. Wii is so tight.

Yours in spirit,

Joe

PS: I named my console “Joe Mandwii,” so I should probz go ahead and kill myself for realsies.