Noah and I are coming to Boston tomorrow to participate in a Vice Magazine/Dewar’s Scotch Debate. The topic will be ”Meat vs. Veggie.” It should be really fun. We will be very hip and very drunk. So, if you live in Massachusetts and love me and/or Noah, and/or fake debates, and/or free comedy, and/or free booze, you should come check it out.

A poster:

(more…)

After watching this how-to viral video about building a personal handheld burning laser out of an ordinary flashlight, I realized how disappointing I must be to the 10 year-old version of me.

10 Year-Old Me: Oh. My. God! Did you see that?
Me: Yeah. Pretty cool, right?
10 Year-Old Me: Pretty cool? A handheld laser gun? That’s a dream come true! C’mon, lets go make one!
Me: Ugh. Forget it, dude. It’s way too complicated.
10 Year-Old Me: What do you mean “too complicated”? We just watched a step-by-step instruction on how to make one!
Me: Right. But one of those instructions involved owning a soldering gun, which would necessitate me knowing how to use a soldering gun. Or even knowing where one goes to buy a soldering gun. No thanks. 
10 Year-Old Me: What’s wrong with you? We’ll figure it out. And then we’ll burn things with a laser beam. It’ll be amazing. C’mon, lets go to the store!
Me: Oh, okay. And which store would you like to go to first? The Soldering Gun store or the Axis-Laser-Housing store? Guess what? They don’t exist. Go away, I’m working.
10 Year-Old Me: Wait. This is where you work?
Me: Yep.
10 Year-Old Me: This is super depressing.
Me: Look, I’m not happy about it either.
10 Year-Old Me: What about the NBA?
Me: Uhm…the NBA doesn’t really pan out the way we thought it would. In fact, you might want to devote less time on basketball and more time on reading.
10 Year-Old Me: No way! Reading is for losers.
Me: Exactly.
10 Year-Old Me: I don’t think I like you very much.
Me: Well, I don’t like you much either.
10 Year-Old Me: I’m out of here. Have fun at your job, loser.
Me: Have fun grooming your rat-tail, you little faggot.
10 Year-Old Me: (Gasp!) You said the other F word!
Me: Yeah, that’s right. It’s called irony, idiot.
10 Year-Old Me: …
Me: Look, I’m sorry I called you the other F word. I only meant it in the colloquial sense.
10 Year-Old Me: It’s okay.
Me: Look, all I’m saying is you might want to consider expanding your scope a little bit.  There’s more to life than Sega, Cheetos, and Weird Al.
10 Year-Old Me: Okay.
Me: And, seriously, stop with the basketball. It’s hopeless. Mom will be taller than you at your Bar Mitzvah.
10 Year-Old Me: I feel really sad now.
Me: I know. Believe me, trying–and failing–to make a laser gun won’t help you feel any better.
10 Year-Old Me: I guess you’re right.

About a year ago I put a short clip of my standup on youtube, in which I call comedienne Kathy Griffin a faggot. A lot. Like, over and over again. In fact, the punchline is, ”Kathy Griffin is such a faggot she’s like three faggots. She’s plural faggots.”

I deliberated long and hard before putting the video online. For one thing, it’s all blurry and makes me look like a teenage goblin. In addition to that, I was worried that if seen out of context, it might make me look intolerant towards all gays, and not just Kathy Griffin.

Ultimately, I chose to make the video public. I thought it was important that if a person searched the words “Kathy Griffin” on youtube, that they at least have the opportunity to see my goblin face calling her a faggot repeatedly.

The video caused a stir immediately. The viewer comments were amazing.

Some were positive:

“This routine is at least as good as stand-up regularly shown on Comedy Central or late night shows.”

“worth watching for sure, nice work”

“Kinda cute, I mean the guy is. lol”

(Click here to see the girl who thinks I’m cute)

 A few of the comments were aggressively negative and psychoanalytical:

 ”this has to be one of the stupidest comedy routines i’ve ever seen….if someone was to guess who was the gay one between you two they defiently [sic] choose you. And yea right you have girlfriend, whats her name..harvey? it seems like your whole comedy act is trying to hide your homosexuality by calling other people gay.”

Most of them, however, were just ambivalent, crazy, or both:

“…meh…”

“Ehhh…”

“…i mean i get what you’re going for but…egh. it’s like calling dame judy dench a nigger.”

(The third category was clearly my favorite…meh…)

After a while though, the Kathy Griffin video lost steam; the daily hits slowed down. My video was no longer on the first page of results when one searched for Kathy Griffin. I actually forgot all about it.

Then, two days ago, I got this comment from a youtube member named Buckshoty. His words changed my life. This is what he wrote:

oh name calling is that all you got? I think Cathy [sic] Griffen [sic] sucks but you make her look good. You’ll never be a good insult comic if all your gonna do is poor impersonation and name calling. Especially something like an overused word like faggot. Wouldn’t quit my day job if I where you.

Obviously, that comment hit me like a ton of bricks. It exposed me as a mean-spirited and unoriginal fraud. But, as strange as it sounds, it liberated me at the same time. I re-evaluated my life and felt compelled to start over. Maybe apply to law school or something.

In other words, it made me feel like such a faggot.

“Who is this Buckshoty person?” I asked myself. “How can I find him and thank him for his expert criticism?”

All I had was his youtube profile. 

Apparently, Buckshoty’s day job consists of uploading footage from his Final Fantasy video games and combining it with his collection of symphonic death metal, to make music videos that he then posts on youtube. Only in his spare time does he get to watch youtubes about Kathy Griffin.

This is his latest work, entitled “Cradle of Filth and Final Fantasy 8 Nymphetamine”:

Buckshoty’s such a faggotron he’s like 10^24 faggotrons.

I want that video to get a million hits.

So, I work at this fancy glasses store. Totally rewarding. But sometimes I’m asked to write brief descriptions of the product. I know that sounds easy, but trust me it’s not. It’s very, very hard for me. In fact, I think it may be killing me. Seriously. Each time I write a frame description, I vomit a little bit in my mouth, my immune system weakens, and I inch closer and closer to becoming a twink.

Here’s a sampling of some of my handiwork:

(more…)