Allow me to introduce you all to Rabbi Mordechai Friedman. He’s the host of a little show on Queens Public Television called Judaism: The Series. I discovered Rabbi Friedman a few days ago while I was flipping through the channels. His intensity can be quite intriguing and I found myself instantly becoming a fan follower. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that I may be Rabbi Mordechai’s only viewer, which is totally unacceptable. This is a man who must be heard.
So, I decided to upload some of his teachings onto youtube for everyone to enjoy. (That’s the Jewish way.) Please enjoy:
I love when he gets mad at the phone number for being antisemitic.
By the way, I season-passed Judaism: The Series on my DVR, so expect a lot more crazy Mordechai clips to come your way in the short future. I really, really hope he becomes an internet sensation and, subsequently, sues me for defamation. (That’s also the Jewish way.)
Okay! Okay! I take it back! I want to be Jewish again. Sorry! What are you going to do sue me?…What, really? You will?
A few days ago, I got so enamored by the evangelical website www.godtube.com, that my faith began to waver a bit. Thankfully, my good friend Ethan just informed me about www.jewtube.com (motto: “Here’s Looking at Jew!”) and, needless to say, I’m back!
Jewtube is so awesome!!! It’s all the mirth and wonderment of Judaism broken up into literally hundreds of exciting, easy-to-watch viral videos.
This one is called “Chanukah Party.”
PAAAARRRRTYYYYYYY!!!! So jealous. That place was bumping. So insaaane. Almost NSFW. Speaking of, have you ever wondered what a fully erected (LOL!) sukkah looked like? Check this out:
(Warning, you might need your inhaler, because this vid is action packed.)
The one and only comment for that video:
THAT’S INTERESTING!
Here’s a Rabbi talking about sex. Kind of? I dare you to watch more than a minute. I couldn’t.
That Rabbi has uploaded like 400 videos on Jewtube. I bet he makes over 100K a year.
Proving racism still exists in America, New Hampshire voters made Hillary Clinton the surprise winner of last night’s primary, over Barack the Black Abe Lincoln. Pollsters and pundits had assumed all day long that Obama would carry the state because of the record turnout. But, it turns out the turnout preferred the more experienced Democratic candidate, who campaigns on a promise to use her barfy witch face to bring about certain doom and damnation upon the entire world.
Sorry, was “barfy witch face” too harsh? Explain this, then:
If she’s really the candidate of change, maybe she should change her FAAAACE!
Seriously though, I wonder if New Hampshirers were told they were voting in a Presidential EEEEEK-lection.
Whatever. I suppose it is exciting to see democracy in action, not matter what the results may be. At least the young Clinton supporters seem like an intelligent and caring bunch. It’s not like they’re the type of people who would emphatically cheer for poor Americans trying, and failing, to go to college and failing to achieve their dreams.
Bedrock Yomama was the big winner last night, becoming the new President of Iowa. Meanwhile, his main rival, Hillary Clinton, was definitely the big loser, coming in a surprising third place behind B.O. (tee-hee!) and Yawn Edfarts (hoo-hoo!).
It’s common knowledge that Mrs. Clinton is a barfy, barfy woman, but you have to respect her sense of humor. I was on HillaryClinton.com (a.k.a. my homepage) and was surprised by her coy use of sarcasm on the front page:
All the pundits are saying that the voters chose Obama’s “Change” over Hillary’s “Experience.” In a speech this morning in New Hampshire she told a crowd that “You need experience to make change…the type of change I’ve been making for the last 35 years!!!” Those changes apparently include her maiden name and a billion pantsuits.
I’m kind of hoping Hillary wins in ‘08, just so Laura Bush can run against her 2012. Two experienced ladies! That would be an exciting political race!
However, I must say it would be exciting to see a Black man in the white house. Just because it would be awesome to FINALLY start feeling like we were living in the goddamn future for once. (The Fifth Element, Deep Impact, 24, Idiocracy, Head of State, etc.). I’m just sad the first one won’t be a Black Republican. That would be so tight.
If you pick up the newest issue of Heeb Magazine, you will see my name included in “The Heeb 100,” their annual list of 100 Jews to watch. (That’s in the entire diaspora, son.)
Being on the Heeb 100 is an honor. In fact, it’s pretty much the second best list a Jew could ever hope to be on. (The first best.)
Heeb100.com has the entire list, including little Jewy bios of everyone. Be sure to see my friends Jenny, Josh, Brett, and Seth as well. Oh, and DJ AM, obvz.
So, after getting mesmerized by the Battlecry snippet last week, I went ahead and tivoed the entire CNN “God’s Warriors” mini-series. I must admit Christiane Amanpour does a great job making all three major religions look coo-coo.
Although, the Evangelical Christians are clearly the winners (which is probably why she saved that episode for last). How, you might ask, could a group of American Christians possibly be crazier than Israeli settlers and Islamic suicide bombers? Well, at least when insane Jews and Muslims go to war, those wars are real. Oh, also, Jewish minstrel shows:
If you didn’t catch that, the hoe-down version of Hava Nagilah goes a little something like this:
Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah… Chickens in the barnyard pickin’ up grain.
Goin’ about things the southern way.
Next year in Jerusalem. V’nism’cha! Wooo! (fiddle solo)
Michael Chertoff, the Bush-appointed Jewgoblin in charge of Homeland Security, said yesterday that he felt the United States was likely to be attacked by terrorists this summer. He didn’t give any specifics, but he did say:
“Summertime seems to be appealing to them.”
(Them=terrorists)
That’s right, terrorists love the summertime! So, stay alert, people! Keep a watchful eye for those sunbathing zealots.
The first and last terrorists are my favs.
But seriously, what makes the head of Homeland Security think our country is susceptible to another major attack?
[Chertoff] indicated that his remarks were based on “a gut feeling” formed by previous patterns of terrorist attacks.
Some in the media have criticized this statement, saying a “gut feeling” isn’t strong enough evidence to validate such a frightening prediction regarding national security.
In response, Chertoff told reporters, “Oh yeah? Explain this, then: On September 10, 2001, I spent the entire day on the toilet with crippling diarrhea. And right before the Madrid train bombings, my acid reflux started acting up. Oh, and I had gallstones when that whole Bali nightclub thing happened. Okay? Please don’t doubt my gut when it comes to predicting the inner-workings of Al-Quada. This is why I make the big bucks.”
Chertoff went on to say that right before a car bomb detonates in Iraq, he usually makes a “wet, smelly fart.” He later added that his guts have never been good at predicting when thousands of Black people are going to drown.
A lot of people are upset about this, especially the Democratic presidential candidates.
“This is exactly the kind of politics we must change so we can begin restoring the American people’s faith in a government.” - Barack Obama
“The cause of equal justice in America took a serious blow today.” - John Edwards
“Today’s decision is yet another example that this Administration simply considers itself above the law.” - Hillary Clinton
“This coffee made me farty! (followed by 40 seconds of growling)” - Mike Gravel
Part of me feels this is a miscarriage of justice. One of many this administration has perpetrated since stealing the election in 2000. However, I have to admit it’s comforting to know that in America, if sleazy Jew makes enough friends, he won’t ever have to spend a day in prison. That’s all someone like me can hope for.
