Before I begin, I’d like to first thank all my devoted friends who came to both of my shows last night. I didn’t think anyone would actually do that. The only person I ever paid money to see twice in one day was Jackie Chan, the day Shanghai Noon came out. (Ah, to be seventeen again.)
Today, in honor of these wonderful people, I will be posting not one, but TWO youtubes.
Here’s last week’s Andy Rooney game:
And here’s Rabbi Mordechai Friedman getting so upset about the Pope that he does a comical spit-take:
This Thursday, I will be taking part in two very exciting shows. The first one, “Workdays with Maury,” is at 6:30 pm at the UCB Theater. It’s a little thing I wrote about my adventures working as an unpaid intern at The Maury Povich Show. It’s sort of trial run, so this may or may not be the only time I perform it.
Then at 8:00 pm, as always, I will be hosting Totally JK at Rififi with my friend Noah Garfinkel.
The winning horse was a massive thoroughbred named “Big Brown.” Big Brown won the race quite convincingly, by a measure of nearly 5 lengths.
Earlier that day, Presidential candidate Barack Obama chose Big Brown to be the winner.
The runner-up in the Derby was a female horse named “Eight Belles.” Despite an impressive and gutsy performance, Eight Belles could only muster a distant second place finish. Also, immediately afterwards, she had to be euthanized on the track because of a fatal injury incurred during the race.
Earlier that day, Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton chose Eight Belles to be the winner.
(There were also 18 other horses in the race, but metaphorically speaking, none of them really matter.)
Sorry, everyone. I’ve been too busy to write on my website last few days. I’ve been redoing my will. Originally, I thought I wanted a traditional Irish wake (like I’d seen on The Wire), followed by a New Orleans jazz funeral procession, followed by a viking funeral…then have my ashes recovered, mixed with clay, and have an artist make a life-size replica of my body…and have that buried in a traditional Jewish cemetery.
But then I found www.perpetualpet.net. Now I know I want my dead body to be “carefully prepared and posed” then “placed into a sealed vacuum chamber at extremely low temperature,” so “all the moisture is removed, leaving the tissues otherwise unaltered” and “subject to the same care and treatment as other valued possessions.”
Look at the satisfied customers of the freeze-drying process:
ROCKE!
That dog is totally DEAD! Can you believe it?
ZAK!
That dog? SO not alive. He looks like he is, but he’s not!
PEACHES!
Come here, boy! Come on, Peaches! Come over here, you silly little baby! Oh, that’s right! You can’t! Because you’re dead!
Check out this fun new game I invented! Here’s how you play: Using Final Cut Pro, take out everything but the first sentence and the last sentence from Andy Rooney’s latest segment on 60 Minutes. Then you put that on youtube. That’s it! Check it out:
Seriously, because it’s only five dollars to see a bunch of amazing performers, most of whom are seldom ever in New York City. Don’t be stupid. Just come to this. Tonight!
Steve Harvey, the well-known radio host and original king of comedy, is sponsoring some kind of weight-loss program called the “2008 Weight-off So You Can Take Your Shirt Off Campaign.” Good for him. Obesity blows. (No homo.) However, the website he made for this weight-loss campaign is completely insane. Like, it defies words. The only way I could describe it was through the use of a venn diagram:
I wish someone had given me one of Big Boom’s self-help books for my birthday. Maybe “How To Mount a Marble Lion in 5 Easy Steps” or “Make Your Nipples Cross-Eyed!”
I also wish my man Hamburger Jones had taken part in the photoshoot.
